The State of Mind of Uncertainty.

For those who are in no mood for some well-worn bitching about the trials and tribulations of a life flip-turned-upside down i suggest you skip this post and head over to more optimistic pastures. This reflection has been a long time coming, so here it goes. The year is 2008, I am already halfway through this rather turbulent chapter of my existence. It seems like there's not a long way more to go before it ends, but it might just be enough for me to pack up and leave. I wake up every morning of my dreary existence, cursing and swearing in a multitude of different languages and dialects at a world which irritates me so. I do not look forward to the day, in fact I await the night where one might find solace in his sleep. But even this little luxury is beyond me for my sleep is constantly plagued with dreams, the like of which I do not welcome for their content can be rather disturbing at times, of a grim path ahead. I have tried very hard to adapt and could in all honesty say that once upon a time i did. But as all my efforts are for not, I have decided to become oblivious to it all, just trying my best to get by with my mission. Nothing was ever easy, except giving up, but it seems even that is hard for me to do. Led on by my foolish pride I continue on this miserable path in the hope that somewhere ahead there will indeed be light at the end of this tunnel. This path was not mine to choose, but a decision made by others, and day by day I curse this decision reasoning that the things which I left behind were more important than anything which ever happened here and that I could never go back to them. At first the alcohol served as a barrier but as time went by even that was ineffective. I have never tasted failure of such a magnitude since I arrived here and I'm afraid it has stayed in my mind ever since, like some haunting memory and I have never fully recovered from the setback. I don't remember being ever so weak, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the fatigue which never seems to go away but where once stood an iron will and determination is now just an exhausted mind. Every year we grow more distant, every year there is one less person in the picture, last year it was Morgan, this year it's James, maybe it's time I made my leave too. Maybe it's time for my curtain call. And for what it's worth I doubt my presence would be missed.